An Essay
by Mahjinx
Summary: And that was it. I had done it. I wasn't sure if I had said everything I wanted to but it felt right. I folded it up and sealed it in an envelope along with my heart. My fate rested in her hands now. I had spilled my self out and al I had now was hope.
1. Important

Hey guys I'm sorry this isn't a chapter. It's a note and before you freak I'm not giving up. I am just taking a few chapters down for a bit. I'm actually going to do this properly. I have a beta we are going to write a plan and I am going to try my hardest to stick to it. I want to give you the best story I can give. Right now it's only so so. So here is what is going on. I'm going to pull down every chapter except the first and do a rewrite with my plan. I can't tell you when you will have the chapters back but I can tell you they probably won't be the same. The plot will be so will all the important things but I really am hoping that I can plump this up and make it good. I don't want to write a hokey story. I want to write something that I would like to read. I want to produce something that is good otherwise I'm just going to have to take it back to being a one shot. I love playing with Adrian and Rose and I hope you like me playing with Adrian and Rose. I just want to do Richelle Mead and her characters more justice. So that's what's going on. Any problems you can flame me. Freedom of speech is important. Please bare with me I'm seriously slow.

Nat


	2. An Essay

_**All credit goes to Richelle Mead these are her characters. This is the revised first chapter of An Essay Feedback would be nice. Thank you to Sydney.**_

**An Essay **

APOV

She wanted me to write an essay. Me, Adrian Ivashkov to write an Essay? That was something I hadn't done for a long time. The old Adrian Ivashkov would have said no. But then again the old Adrian wouldn't have taken a message from a weird old man. But, I had...and I was Adrian Ivashkov. It was hard for others to see but she had changed me. I wasn't the same bastard she met at the ski lodge. Back then all I wanted with her was a way to Vasalissa and maybe just maybe something on the side. I hadn't intended to change hell I didn't ever want to change but I realise now that rose changed me for the better. I was in a haze before I her. Night after Drunken night, Girl after Girl. I lived a life of drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, pretty but shallow bitches, and meaningless sex. Before Rosemarie Hathaway came along I was an abuser and I didn't see it. I had been celibate since the night I dream walked her dreams while she was captured in Spokane. I hadn't lit a joint or inhaled any drug since that night as well. The only things I still abused though were alcohol and tobacco, but I needed them. Rose may have brought me out of my haze but I didn't think she would be able to get me out of my cigarette haze any time soon. As for the alcohol... well unfortunately that was the same, I wasn't yet ready to deal with the effects of spirit alone. If I could stop though, if I didn't rely so deeply on tobacco and alcohol I would. I would stop for Rose.

I sighed and stared down at the obnoxious piece of blank paper. I thought Rose might like a hand written letter. For anyone else though I would have typed it but then again if it were anyone else I wouldn't give a shit. I wouldn't have even agreed. I yet again looked down at the paper, it glared obnoxiously up at me. I took a deep breath and thought it's now or never, and with that I picked up a green pen and began to write.

_Rose._

_I know you were joking when you mentioned me writing this essay but I feel it's the only way I will be able to tell you everything. Some people think the words I love you say everything and maybe they do. But love can be different. You loved Dimitri. No One will EVER take his place. Dr. Seuss once said "You know you're in love when reality is finally better than your dreams" If that's true then I am not in love because I am still waiting for reality to catch up to my dreams. You know Vasalissa offered to help me write this. I said 'no' though. Rose. I wanted everything on this page to come from me and only me. I write this completely sober there is not one drop of alcohol in my blood not one ash in the tray. What I'm giving you right now is Little Dhampir, the man I want to be. I don't like who I am. The person you met at the ski lodge. He was a bastard, he was scared and he was running. However, now, now he is no longer around. Before I met you Rose...I was afraid. I was afraid of spirit, afraid of life, of commitment, of love... But then I met you Rose. You were Strong. You are strong. Little Dhampir. You helped me. They say you drain the darkness away from Lissa well you drain the sadness and fear from my life. When I see you I remember why I am here, why I try. Rose before I met you I was an abuser. My life consisted of night after drunken night, girl after girl and probably a few I am not sure about.... just kidding. I know they were all girls, I think.... Rose I have given up so much for you and I am glad I have in turn it has made me better and I am willing to give up more. But none of it will ever compare to what you have had to sacrifice. Rose you see me when no one else does. When I'm with you I don't have to hide. You give me the strength to be me, the will to change and the power to feel. I could promise you the world. I could promise you power. I could promise you a very comfortable life. Hell I could promise you anything and everything material. But I won't. All I can promise you is my life and everything I have within me. I can't promise you a 100 % sober life but. _

_It's the way you make me smile._

_It keeps me going mile after mile_

_And when you speak to me_

_I feel totally free_

_I am without a care in the world_

_No one is sad or hurt_

_No one is there to make me feel like dirt_

_It's the way you make me smile_

_Even after the day is gone_

_It is the way I don't have to tell myself _

_That life would be better off fake or unreal _

_I don't know if you want me but please know that I want you_

_I can't wait to fly through the sky hand in hand with you_

_Cause when I am with you everything is okay_

_And when I'm with you I see the runs rays_

_And when you sit me down and tell me everything is going to be okay_

_I can believe for once that there is a world without pain _

_And when you make me feel this way I know your my saving grace_

_The girl who is always going to be there in her right place_

_I'll have patience my friend_

_I know you need time_

_I'll find it in my heart to wait for you_

_I know that this is selfish_

_And I know this is kind of mean_

_But I really know that you are the girl from my dreams_

_So I'll have patience Little Dhampir_

_I know there will be a way in time_

_I swear to you at each breaking day_

_Under the moons soft light_

_With the stars twinkling bright_

_I swear you on this very night_

_I truly love thee_

_- Adrian Ivashkov _

And that was it. I had done it. I wasn't sure if I had said everything I wanted to but it felt right. I folded it up and sealed it in an envelope along with my heart. My fate rested in her hands. I had spilled myself out and al I had now was hope. Hope that she wouldn't laugh at me. Hope that she wouldn't tear me apart all I had now was what I had to offer her. A somewhat afraid man in love with a strong powerful beautiful woman. My Life was now in her hands.


End file.
